TO: All athletes
FROM: Head Coach Thaddeus Zoomsworth
SUBJECT: The stairs
Colleagues, I write to address an alarming trend. In the past month there have been nine incidents on the stairs. None resulted in injury. All resulted in a loss of dignity, and I would remind you that dignity is the one thing we cannot recover on a Sunday.
Background
The stairs are a high performance environment. They are also a place where the carpet is soft, the banister is tall, and the angle of descent is steeper than most of you are prepared to admit. The recent incidents have shown that some athletes are treating them as a warm up. They are not a warm up.
Incident summary
Without naming names, I can report:
- One athlete attempted to descend backwards and landed in the laundry basket.
- One athlete misjudged the turn at the landing and left a clear paw print on the wall.
- One athlete did not move at all, and was later discovered to have been on the step the entire time, looking at nothing.
New guidance
Effective immediately:
- All stair sprints must begin at the bottom and finish at the top.
- No athlete may stop halfway to wash a paw. This is a safety matter.
- All descents must be completed with confidence, even if confidence is not available.
- The look of surprise is permitted but must be rehearsed.
Responsibilities of staff
Pip will stand at the foot of the stairs with the stopwatch. He is not to eat it. If he does, a replacement will be deducted from his treats.
Reminder on culture
I want us to be a team that laughs at itself. I also want us to be a team that does not laugh at Biscuit, who is still sensitive about the laundry basket.
“The stairs are a teacher. They teach us that gravity always has the last word.” Thaddeus Zoomsworth
Thank you for your attention. Please see me if you wish to discuss this memo, and please do not, because I will be lying on the radiator.