Welcome to Midnight Sprint Coaching. You have chosen the hour when champions train and neighbours sigh. This is your Week One plan, built by Head Coach Thaddeus Zoomsworth over many nights of lying on the plan.
The philosophy
Our approach is simple. A cat at rest stays at rest. A cat in motion stays in motion. A cat in motion at 3 AM is a cat who has made a decision and cannot explain it. We believe in the decision.
Monday: the warm up
Begin with a stretch on the rug. Reach forward, then backward, then sideways, then glare at the wall. The glare is part of the warm up. Do not skip the glare. Your muscles cannot be prepared unless your mind has already declared war on something.
Tuesday: the first sprint
Pick a hallway. The hallway should be long, uncarpeted, and attached to a bedroom containing a sleeping human. Sprint from the end to the front, as fast as you can, making a sound like a small, furious bag of spanners. Stop at the door and look surprised.
Wednesday: the stairs
The stairs are our most advanced facility. Run up. Then run down. Then run up again and sit on the top step as if you had been there all along. We call this the Interval Pretence.
Thursday: rest
Rest is part of the plan. You should be lying on a sofa, looking at nothing. Pip will check on you at intervals to confirm that you are resting correctly, by sitting on you.
Friday: the long run
Combine the hallway, the stairs, and the kitchen. Add a chair if you wish. The goal is to complete the circuit without stopping, apart from the five times you will stop to wash a paw for no reason.
Weekend: recovery and review
Review your progress with Pip. He will lose the stopwatch. This is normal. Your times are therefore unknown, and so are your limits, which is exactly how we like it.
What you will need
- A hallway with good acoustics.
- A human who sleeps lightly.
- A small toy mouse for motivation, or a larger toy mouse for panic.
- Absolutely no plan, because the plan has been eaten.
“Do not run for the finish line. Run because the door is open and the dark is wide.” Thaddeus Zoomsworth, Head Coach
Good luck. Sleep well, if you can. We will see you at 3 AM.