Our equipment testing department, which consists of whichever cat is awake, has examined three popular aids for the aspiring midnight athlete. Results follow.
The cardboard tube
The tube scored highly for versatility. It can be a tunnel, a hat, a weapon, or a home. It can also be rolled across the floor at 3 AM in a manner that is audible in three postcodes. Athlete Biscuit rated it nine out of ten, and said the missing point was “because it is not a bigger tube.”
Drawbacks: it will be taken away and recycled, in a cruel and bureaucratic act.
The sock
The sock scored well for portability and aroma. It can be carried in the mouth, flung into the air, and defended against all comers. A good sock gives an athlete a purpose, which is why many of our cats carry one for several hours, wailing.
Drawbacks: the sock belongs to someone. That someone will notice.
The remote control
The remote scored poorly in terms of design, because it is not meant for cats, and exceptionally well in terms of results. A cat who sits on a remote controls the room. The television changes channel. The volume rises. The human sits up. The cat has, in a very real way, made her presence felt.
Drawbacks: the remote is expensive, and it will not be replaced by us.
Comparison table, in words
- Noise: tube first, remote second, sock third.
- Portability: sock first, tube second, remote not applicable, as it will be removed.
- Emotional impact on the human: remote, by a long way.
Coach’s verdict
Thaddeus Zoomsworth advises athletes to begin with the sock, graduate to the tube, and consider the remote only when they are ready to take on the full responsibility of leadership.
Safety note
Do not eat the sock. Do not eat the tube. Do not under any circumstances eat the remote, which contains batteries, and a conscience.